What Love is not.

I am usually unable to write a blogpost till my birthday week which for me marks the beginning of a new year but 2017 seems to have too much to offer and words have assailed me from the very first week of the year. I tried to ignore but these words, they won’t let me be.

Already, in 2017, I have seen how systematically, a change has begun, in places only I can discern and I am so excited to see what the rest of the year will bring.

Today, I remember my mum who passed 5years ago and I am astounded at her strength and person and the gift of friendship we eventually found as she passed. Our tumultuous relationship was comical mostly and looking back, I see how she raised me to have my opinions and encouraged me to stand up to whatever I felt wasn’t up to scratch which informed too many of our arguments. 

I remember her life with fondness and wistfulness.

As I went on my daily exercise walk earlier, I mentally wrote this article. I had so much to say and smiled at the deep wisdom I would exude cos I wanted to write about what love is not, which is one of the profound things I have discovered in recent times. The number of things mistaken for love is mindboggling but as I write now, I can hardly marshall two points together. This is why I say I am no writer and why when someone gushes over something I have written, I tell them thanks but…..Still, I will try.

Love is not being called upon to make sacrifices. Too many people mistake this for love. It is manipulation. Sacrifices by their very nature are a product of your inner convictions and when demanded, will usually clarify those convictions but some people use it to manipulate others to crystallize their commitment. No, that isn’t love.

Love is not grudging. If you have to really try, it usually isn’t. The effervescent quality of love is undeniable. And I don’t mean the giddy heady feeling alone. That is usually your raging hormones.

Love is not being used for another’s ends and means. That’s abuse. The scheming and planning to make you ‘toe a line’ and God-esque tendencies, determining what you are ‘allowed’ to do and how far you are allowed to go without a commensurate influence with that person. That ain’t love.

Love is not jealousy. I repeat, love ain’t jealousy. Too many have fallen for this untruth, believing that a person being jealous over them is love. It is a huge falsehood. There are many reasons why a person may be jealous over you without any real appreciation of your person. Sometimes, it’s a fundamental flaw of who they are. Nothing to do with you.

Love is not just service. A person can devotedly serve you with their life without loving you. Sad but true. For many whose love language is being served, they will fall for those who serve them and choose to believe they are loved regardless of what the truth is.

As with all things, I have learnt it upside down, first by finding out what it isn’t before seeing what it is.

Love starts with you, knowing your value and choosing to use that value as you see fit and being able to utilize that value in ways that empower, enable and elevate another but always retaining the key to your value in yourself. 

Too many hand their value to undeserving folk who decimate their being for any number of reasons in the name of love.

While what works for each of us differ, the fundamental nature of love is retaining the value of yourself and handing it over or taking it back on your own terms. Many may disagree with this assessment but this is what I have found to be true. 

At any time this choice is taken away from you, it is no longer love. It needs to be called by some other name which may not necessarily be bad but shouldn’t be disguised as love.

Hopefully, someone will read and learn something and do better but mostly, I wrote to get the words out of my head so I can think other thoughts.